By Andi Fox
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31 May, 2023
What is Narcissism? Narcissistic personality disorder falls under the cluster B type Personality disorders. Cluster B personality types, according to the DSM, include, antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Many times with each of these personality types you will see a great deal of crossover in behaviors, beliefs, and thought patterns. Divorcing a narcissist is not going to be easy. Since you lived with them, you already know the challenges that lie ahead. The Two Types of Narcissists Overt Narcissism Overt or also known as Grandiose type. This type of narcissist is the more "in your face type". Easy to spot pretty quickly because there is a clear sense of self-importance. Always looking to "one up". One aspect of a overt narcissist that is most noticeable is that they are preoccupied with success, power, and looks. They tend to think they can do and have it all. There is zero critical self-reflection, even if it is an outward fault. It is as though they are blind to any faults they have. Any problems in the relationship, or any conflict, is everyone else's fault. They almost never take responsibility for any conflict. There is a definite sense of entitlement, even if they don't put any effort in. They border on sociopathy in that there is no empathy. It is as if it doesn't register that someone else is suffering. This is likely because of the pre-occupation that they have with themselves. It is nearly impossible for them to think of anything else. Many times these extroverted narcissists' are defined as arrogant. It goes much deeper than arrogance though. They are willing to use and abuse others just to make themselves feel better or get what they want. Because they have a lack of empathy, they think nothing of their hurtful actions. They lie, cheat, steal, without a second thought because it is all serving them. Covert Narcissism A little harder to spot, these narcissists have the same goals as the overt narcissist. They are lowkey in their manipulation but make no mistake, they are still doing the same thing as an overt narcissist is. Many people get involved in relationships with overt narcissists because they are so much harder to spot. At the end of the relationship, they will find themselves just as lost, confused, and hurt though. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to realize how cold, distant, and manipulative these narcissists are. As you separate away from them though, you will start to see how it was “all your fault” everytime, they needed constant reassurance from you and everyone around them, they would procrastinate, disregard you and their responsibilities, and be emotionally unavailable. These narcissists are extremely frustrating to be in any relationship with. Because they are not “in your face”, the relationships lead people down a path of complete confusion, that is, until they step outside the relationship and are able to really look in. You are just left lost and confused but you can’t always figure out why. You feel lonely, even when you are in the same room together. They can easily turn any situation into favoring them and making whatever it was, your fault. Again, you are just left lost and confused. If you are just confused in your relationship right now or you have just gotten away (congrats!), a therapist should be the first step in your healing journey so they can show you signs you may have missed. Why Do People Believe Narcissists? Narcissists are very convincing because they themselves are able to disassociate the truth from their lies. It is why they are so convincing in their own lies. They have the ability to fool many people into believing everything that they say. It is therefore imperative that a lawyer understands what a narcissist is about in order to be able to represent their client in a divorce or family law matter. It is really difficult to understand from the outside looking in how people fall in love or follow narcissists. People who fall in love or follow narcissists are not weak-minded, narcissists are just that good at manipulation. A classic case of narcissism was Hitler. That should show how manipulative a narcissist can be. Typical Behaviors of Narcissists Narcissists have very typical situations and behaviors They are typically bad with money, have bad credit, they tend to be cheaters, thieves, it is everyone else's fault, they are "one-uppers", and they tend to believe that they can do just about anything. Most of the time narcissists have bad credit and will then find other people's credit to use. Many times in divorce the narcissist has ruined the other person's credit. In addition, if there was any kind of savings or any money that was coming in, all that money is usually gone. Houses, cars, any kind of asset is usually either in threat of being taken back at any given time or has a lien on it. They simply just do not care about the other person or their financial security. This is because they have no ability to have any type of feeling about anything. This falls under the classic Cluster B personality type. There is a lack of empathy. That lack of empathy goes hand in hand with cheating. They tend to cheat because they feel like they themselves feel as though they are being cheated of certain things and/or they have a gift in the intimacy department. Whether true or not, according to narcissists, they are being cheated of affection, intimacy, or the ability to have several partners. This comes into play with the grand sense of self. They see themselves as this heightened intimate partner that should share their wealth with the world. Therefore they think they deserve to go ahead and be with as many people as possible because they are doing them all a favor. Whether this hurts the other party or not is of no consequence to the narcissist because they deserve to give this gift to everybody they meet and/or they are deprived. Thievery falls under the same premise as "they deserve it ". They feel as though they are always being cheated so they take whatever they want even if they haven't worked for it. However, in their minds, all they do is work, even if they lay in bed all day, their minds allow them to disassociate their behaviors with the truth. They will tell people they clean the house, when in fact, they cleaned the house once, 6 months ago. Divorcing a Narcissist Untwisting the narcissist’s version of events takes a very special talent. Narcissists are very preoccupied with their fantasies of power, success, looks, sexual achievements, money, and abilities. They will likely blame you if they never achieved any of them. They wil have woven such a tale of woe to all who will listen and do not be shocked, they will have people that will listen. They will start a smear campaign against you to everyone. Be prepared and do not let it affect you. Those who love you and matter will know the real story. Also be prepared for the “flying monkeys”. Those are people that you have in common. They are reporting back everything to the narcissist. The best thing you can do is claim to be happy, healthy, and better off without the narcissist. It is the best way to get back at them because in their own grand minds, you can’t live without them. Prove them wrong! Even if you are suffering inside, only allow the people that love you or your therapist know that. Divorcing a Narcissist When You Have Children Together Unfortunately when you have children together, there is going to be some level of communication necessary. Do whatever you can to keep everything in email or text that you can save. In addition, be as “gray rock” as possible. That means, simple answers, simple questions, not being rude but, not giving details or overtalking. Say what needs to be said and leave it at that. All conversations in person, especially in front of the children, should be cordial and short. You want to keep any deep conversations in emails or texts so you have records. Never use your children to get back to your narcissist. The relationship you had and now have is only between you and the narcissist. Things May Get Worse Before They Get Better The narcissist is likely going to be furious that you called an attorney to represent you. That is only because the narcissist just lost control over you. Do not let your narcissist come back. They will absolutely try to. This is called “hoovering”. They will use all the same charms they used in the beginning but this time, it will be worse. They know you. They know what makes you tick and what buttons to push. Stand strong and do not let your narcissist back in. Gray rock if you have kids, no-contact if you don’t. Keep it all in text and email. Your narcissist will be charming at first and once they realize you no longer need them, it is going to get ugly. Your narcissist is going to try to get back at you for no longer needing them. They will say horrific things to you. If the message starts out negative, no need to read any further. Maybe think about forwarding the email to a trusted loved one or friend so that if there is anything critical in that email or that needs to be dealt with, they can tell you that part of the message. Then you just do not have to deal with the rest of the ugliness of the message. The bottom line is, stay strong and stand firm. You will get through this and you will be better off for it. The narcissist will never change. They are emotionless humans that are only out for themselves. They do not have the capacity to love anyone and they never will. They are extremely sick people. It has been shown that even with medication and therapy, it is unlikely they will ever change. Even getting them to admit that they need help is nearly impossible. Then they have to commit to change and work every day, very hard, to make those changes. Most of them do not even can’t even admit there is something wrong. When You Are Ready to Leave Your Narcissist Do not let your narcissist talk you into a DYI divorce. Although they will attempt to charm you into it, they are actually manipulating you into signing, saying or giving things that will only hurt you in the end. Part of going “gray rock” and no contact is allowing Paul to do the talking for you. It keeps the emotions out and allows someone else to go to battle against your narcissist for you.